Ysmen
 Witticisms
 Click here
to submit yours
.

Submitted by Peter Burch (8/4/18)
     A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
     Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
     When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
     ‘It was Bob, our neighbor,’ she replies.
     ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’ 

Submitted by Peter Burch (8/4/18)
     Mrs. Castranova comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is. Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
     Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.’’
     About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"
     "Well, I doubt it but I’ll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I’m not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son, Anthony
     A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I’m not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
     Your Loving Mama

Submitted by Peter Burch (2/18/18)
    
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband.  She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill. He took the crumpled $20 bill from her and smiled approvingly. 

     She then asked him, "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the crumpled $50 bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. 

     "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up? He said, "No!" trying to hide his anticipation.  

     She said, "Check the garage."

Submitted by Peter Burch (2/15/18)
    
A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
     "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" 
     "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.
     "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
     So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
     "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" 
      "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
 
Submitted by Peter Burch (11/14/17)
     As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night.  So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.”
     “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink…. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”  “How much do you charge?”  “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
     “I'll sleep on it,” I said.
     Six months later the doctor met me on the street.  “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
     “Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
     “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
     “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain’t nobody under there now.”
     It’s always better to get a second opinion
 

Submitted by Joe Giannetti (10/8/17)
     A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 
     Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 
     The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 
     Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  
     She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  
     He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
     He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea", and then he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box"

Submitted by Peter Burch (5/12/17)
     Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” announced the sixty-year-old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
     “Ah, that’s nothing,” said the seventy-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t have a BM anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!”
     “Actually,” said the eighty-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
     “Do you have trouble peeing too?”, asked the sixty-year-old.
     “No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I go like a race horse - no problem at all.” “Do you have trouble having a BM?”, asked the seventy-year-old. “No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.”
     With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o’clock and have a BM every morning at six thirty. What’s so tough about being eighty?”
     To which the eighty-year-old replied, “I don’t wake up until ten.”
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (4/5/17)
     An Italian Mama
     Mrs. Castranova comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is. Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.  
     Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''  
     About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"  
     "Well, I doubt it but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:  
     Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son, Anthony  
     A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:  
     Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.  

     Your Loving Mama

Submitted by Joe Giannetti (3/28/17)
     At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, “I need a favor.  I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife.  Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

     Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
     After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.
     After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”
     Irving, filled with feeling of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi.  My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
     The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says, “You'd probably better hurry home, Irving.  My wife died two years ago!”

Submitted by Peter Burch (2/2/17)
This was received from a man who lives in an assisted living building: 
     We have small apartments, but we eat at a central cafeteria. One morning,one man didn't show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining room.
 
     An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up toward his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a difficult time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs to the cafeteria and he had his breakfast.
 
     When he tried to go back to his apartment, he was unable to even get up the first step, so an ambulance was called to take him to the hospital. A couple of hours later, my wife called the hospital to see how he was doing.
 The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/23/16)
      With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have some brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on our way home from a "social session" with family and friends.
     Well two days ago this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several drinks, followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was way over the limit.
     That's when I did something I've never done before, I took a taxi home. Sure enough, on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
     This was a real surprise for me, because I have never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So if you want to borrow it, give me a call.
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (8/2716)
     "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
     She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
     Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....the 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
     It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (8/2/16)
     His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 
     Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 
     Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 
     'Why?' asked the pilot. 
    
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 
     The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Submitted by Frank Donovan (6/17/16)
     I have two tickets to this year’s Super Bowl, but just realized I am getting married that day and can’t go. If you’re interested in going in my place, it’s at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda and she’ll be the one in the white dress.
Submitted by Peter Burch (5/8/16)
     Air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower's land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.  
     The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!" 
     The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!” 
     He began his series of questions: 
     Tower: " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" 
     Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me." 
     Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" 
     Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me." 
     Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
     Aircraft: The pee in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
Submitted by Peter Burch (2/15/16)
       A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 
     "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" 
     "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." 
     The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." 
     "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." 
     The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." 
     The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. 
     Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" 
     "1955, ma'am." 
     "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. 
     Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." 
     The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Submitted by Frank Donovan (2/15/16)
      A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
     The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' 
     The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
     While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
     They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
     The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'.
Submitted by Ken White (11/24/15)
     A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
     So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
     She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
     Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
     She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
     "Did you dance much ?”
     "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to…
Submitted by Peter Burch (9/10/15)
     A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. 
     The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard ... let's see how THEY like it! 
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/7/15)
     John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the midst of a big storm. The night kept rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming up behind him and it stopped. 
     John, desperate for shelter, quickly got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
 
     Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
 
     Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, and so, gathering his strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.
     Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other: "Look Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (7/8/15)
     After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.  When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
     On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
     Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.  The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
     The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
     "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ...............But I play Golf on Fridays.
 
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (3/18/15)
     Four elderly Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."  
     The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." 
    
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
 
    
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." 
    
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL, 40 D Breasts, 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "JESUS".
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/18/15)
     A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"   
     The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
     The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
     "Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."
     "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of
you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
     "Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
     Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
     Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie..." 
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/9/15)
     You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young woman. Suddenly, she faints in your car. You take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful!
     But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you on becoming a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!!
     You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved!
     On your way back to the car you think about how good it will be to get home to your beautiful wife and 5 adorable children. Now THAT’S STRESSFUL!!!
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/3/15)
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/30/15)
     The ABC Corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"  
     A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" 
 
     The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
 
 
     Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
 
 
     From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/30/15)
     When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who failed and were dominated by their wives. ”I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
     Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
 
    
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created men to be the head of your household! Only one of you has succeeded. You should all learn from him."
     God turned to the one man,
"Share with these fools why you are the only one in this line?"
     The man replied,
"My wife told me to stand here ..."
Submitted by Frank Donovan (12/22/14)
     Please hold my email until further notice because I will be in the hospital for a few days. I was brutally attacked by a woman on an elevator. A witness got her  photo.
     I was in the elevator when she  got in. I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,  "Would you please press "one".
     So I did, and I don't remember much afterwards.
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/16/14)
     A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts. 
     Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent. 
     Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money. 
     Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. 
    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before. 
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/16/14)
     A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked around, she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be found. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and she became so worried that she called him on his cell phone to ask him where he was.
     In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewelry shop we went into about five years ago, when you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you I would get it for you one day?”
     The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”
     He replied, “Well, I’m in the bar next door.”
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/16/14)
     A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
     The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
     The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
     Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
     The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
     The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
     The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
     Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried  behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
     The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
     The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.
"
Submitted by Peter Burch (11/13/14)
     A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
     One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretched limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.  
     In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes”
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (8/2/14)
     Bridget O’Kelly arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy,in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase."What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. 
     “What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her that I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home . . . and guess what I find? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving her forever!" 
     “Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." 
     Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation. She never got your e-mail."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (6/3/14)
     A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
     Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"  
     The old cowboy replied, "Yep, sure do."
     Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.  
     "Nope, sure ain't." said the cowboy. 
     "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. 
     "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.  
     "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.  
     "Yep," was the calm reply.
     "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
     "Nope," said the old cowboy.
     More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"  
     The old cowboy calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Submitted by Peter Burch (5/7/14)
     Three blondes were applying for a position on the police force.  The detective opened a file drawer, pulled out a folder, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.  You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."  He put the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a few seconds.  "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
     The blonde immediately said, "Yes I did.  He has only one eye!"
     The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed." The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
     The detective then turned to the second blonde, put the photo in front of her for a few seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
     "Yes! He only has one ear!"
     The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused.”  The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
     The detective turned his attention to the third, and last blonde, and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but, . . . " he flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "OK, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
     The blonde said, "I sure did. The man wears contact lenses."
     The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.  He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!  His bio says he wears contacts!  How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
     The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Submitted by Peter Burch (3/18/14)
     Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
     The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
     So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
     He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
     She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
     He said, "I want five loaves."
     She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
     He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me.
"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/20/14)
Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

     I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!
     I am 32, he is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need your advice urgently. Can you please help?
     Sincerely, Sheila 

Dear Sheila,
     A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
     I hope this helps.
     John

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/20/14)
     An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'  
     'I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'  
     'Well' says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
     'Who said my Father's dead?' 
     The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?' 
     'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach  for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.' 
     'Well,' the doctor  says, 'that's  great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?' 
     'Who said my Nono's dead?' 
     Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
     'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 
     The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
     '
No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.' 
     At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?' 
     ''Who said he wanted to?'
Submitted by Terry Clarke (1/29/14)
     Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
     Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
     Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
     Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
     Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
     Billy Bob replied, "This time I'm taking Earlene with me."
Submitted by Roger Cerbie (1/17/14)
    
Leroy went to his church’s healing service and spoke to the pastor. He asked, “Father, can you help me with my hearing?”
     The pastor has him kneel down and prays over him for several minutes, and then says “Arise my son, how is your hearing now?”
     Leroy replies, “I don’t know, Father, it’s not until next week.”
Submitted by Peter Burch (12/09/13)
     The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
     "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. 
     He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
     "An ambulance just drove by!" 
     "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. 
     "Matt's riding a new bike."Looks like the Sanders are moving!" 
     "Jason is on his skate board!" 
    
After a few moments he announced..."The Coopers are having sex!" 
     Startled,  his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called....."How do you know they're having sex?" 
     "Beause Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Submitted by Peter Burch (12/05/13)
     A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place because it was assumed that if Guido would hear nothing then he would never have to testify in court.
     When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
     The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
     The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
     Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
     The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

     Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
     The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 

Submitted by Marvin Beloff (11/1/13)
     A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. 
     He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" 
     She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." 
     "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." 
     She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." 
     The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
     "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." 
     The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 
     But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 
     "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" 
     "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." 
     The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Submitted by Peter Burch (10/24/13)
     Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and 2 sons.
     "So", he says to them:" Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza .""Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center .""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
     The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
     Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"

Submitted by Peter Burch (8/29/13)
     Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.
     They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course, and with age being a no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in his/her own thoughts.
     Claude was thinking, If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.
    
Maude was thinking,
if I knew he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose.

Submitted by Buell Hunt (6/25/13)
I want to share with you an amazing story. I'm a small 22-year-old woman, but I was able to solve a critical emergency by keeping my cool and using precise marksmanship with a small pistol, While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of the woods. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little .25 caliber Beretta with me, I would not be here today!  Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just briskly walking away.
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/19/13)
     Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
     The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him." "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
     At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
     He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (3/18/13)
     A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned about it, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
     
“Breast-fed,” the woman replied. 
     “Well, strip down to your waist, please,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a few moments in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”
     “I know,” she said. “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came along.”
Submitted by Peter Burch (3/18/13)
     "Have you ever seen a twenty dollars all crumpled up?" asked my wife when she returned from shopping.
     "No," I said.
     She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar
bill.
     "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.
     "No," I said.
     She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her underwear and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
     "No," I said, intrigued.
     "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (3/15/13)
     A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with a gorgeous young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
     The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
     At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,’ the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
     The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
     On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
     'I know,' said the old man, “but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!' 
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (3/5/13)
     An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
     The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
     The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
     "Fred," the old man moaned.
     "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
     With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/25/13)
David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it
Submitted by Peter Burch (11/30/12)
     A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
     After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
     The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
     The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.
     The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
     The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Submitted by Peter Burch (10/30/12)
President Ronald Reagan went on a state visit to England and met the Queen of England. The Queen invited him to go for a carriage ride through the Royal Gardens. During this ride, the horse pulling the carriage suddenly passed a large cloud of foul-smelling gas. After a moment or two, the Queen turned to Reagan and said, “I’m so sorry for that. There are some things that not even the Queen of England can control. Reagan responded, “I’m so glad you told me. I was starting to think it was the horse.”
Submitted by Buell Hunt (10/20/12)
     On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.  After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
     The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, he warned him, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
     The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
     He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, but then asked, "So what was that 1-2-3 for"?
     And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 
Submitted by Roger Vandal (8/31/12)
     The Montana Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the National State Parks and Forests.  They have advised people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.  They also advise you carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. 
     It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.  People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings.  The black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.  The grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (7/14/12)
     Epitaph on a gravestone in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah 
     FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
     1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
     2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
     3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
     4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
     5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other, or you could end up dead like me

Submitted by Marvin Beloff (6/28/12)
     A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

     God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

     A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

     God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful roller skates.
     About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.... God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

     The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious."

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (3/23/12)
     One dark night in the small town in Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink of an eye, the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. 
     When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.' 
     But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer 
to  extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. 
     Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was 
heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine from nearby Lodi , NJ . This volunteer fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. 
     To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. 
     Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time
, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. 
     The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and 
walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
     A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' 
    'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna
 do isza fixa de brakes on dat goddamn truck!!'

Submitted by Bill Wheaton (3/13/12)
     I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I decided to get married. But one thing was bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
     One day, the “little sister” called me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
     Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said “I’m going to go upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
     I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, the entire family was standing outside, all clapping. With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
     And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Submitted by Peter Burch (3/2/12)
     Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
     The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
     Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
     The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
     Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
     Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
     The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
     Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
     The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/19/12)
     Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
     Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
     Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
     "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/8/12)
     Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago? '
     She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' 
     The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones yet?' 
     She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' 
     The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
     She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..
     Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' 
     She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' 
     The Father asked, 'And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?'
     She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
     The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
     She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle
.
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/10/11)
     A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.  The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for  $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
     The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?
     The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take the chance..."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/6/11)
     A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
     He answered, "That's okay."
     She said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
     The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. 
    
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. 
    
"How come so much?  I only bought 5 items." 
    
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too
."

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/3/11)
     An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
     When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
     He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said:
"Va fanculo!" "Questi sono per il funerale." which translates as “Back off, these are for the funeral.”

Submitted by Peter Burch (10/19/11)
     A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
     'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.
     So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
     'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (10/1/11)
     A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
     "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
     Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
     The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
     The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
     "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
     The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
     A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.
     "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
     "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
     Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, along with a $10 tip.
     "Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (9/21/11)
     A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
     "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" and he slams the door and returns to bed.
     "Who was that?" asked his wife.
     "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
     "Did you help him?" she asks.
     "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
     "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
     The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
     He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
     "Yes," comes back the answer.
     "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
     "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
     "Where are you?" asks the husband.
     Replies the drunk, "Over here, on the swing."
Submitted by Peter Burch (7/28/11)
     There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
     "This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
     "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!”
     “But enough about me. How's your day going?”
Submitted by Buell Hunt (6/16/11)
     A young New York blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every-day, and keep you happy."
     With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From that time on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
     Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
     "l have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
     "l see," said the captain.
     Then her conscience got the best of her and she blurted out, "Plus, he's screwing me."
     "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Submitted by Peter Burch (6/16/11)
     A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blond.  The blond cop asked to see the blond driver's license.  She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
     'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
     The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
     The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
      'Here it is,' she said.
     The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (4/12/11)
     A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
     The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
     The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
     To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich.”
     The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
     A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of the Catholic Church that you remain celibate?”
     The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
     The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
     The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
     The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent - - - thinking - - - for about five minutes.
     Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
Submitted by Frank Donovan (3/1/11)
     Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
     Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
     In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
     Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
     'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/4/11)   

     Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
     MAN:  "Hello"
     WOMAN:  "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"
    
MAN: "Yes."
     WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?"
     MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
     WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  I saw one I really liked..."
     MAN: "How much?"
     WOMAN:  "$90,000."
     MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
     WOMAN: "Great!  Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."
     MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.   They'll probably take it.  If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
     WOMAN: "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"
     MAN: "Bye!  I love you, too."
     The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns to them and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Submitted by Peter Burch (1/27/11)
     Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
     After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00….’
     Great’, says Mick, ‘after six months out here, I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’
     As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’…’
     ‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.
     Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too..’
     ’Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
     ‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
     ‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
     Cliff replies, ‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/7/10)
     A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
     After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
     The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
     His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked every where they went?'
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/3/10)
     One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.  He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to  rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
     Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said  to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
     "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and  pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the  castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost  forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
     "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied,  "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve,  unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He  opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted  the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
      At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the  middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been  since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (11/4/10)
     Tony, a good Italian man, had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
     He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
     His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The damn funeral director would be my first guess.'
 
Submitted by Buell Hunt (11/4/10)
     Sarah and Bill, both 91, lived in a retirement community.  They met in the social center, and discovered, over time, that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Bill asked Sarah out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.
     They had a lovely evening.  The dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and Bill gave Sarah a gift, to show his affection.  Despite his age, Bill was still a charmer. Afterward, Bill asked Sarah to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.  
     Things continued along a natural course - age being no inhibitor.  Sarah soon joined Bill for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd just shared, each was lost for a time, with their own thoughts.
     Bill was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin,  I would have been more gentle".
     Sarah was thinking, "If I had known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose
!"
 
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/8/10)
     A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
     She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'  Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
     On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.  The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
     Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.  Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
     'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
     'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
     The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'  He lost 63 pounds that week!
Submitted by Buell Hunt (7/13/10)
     The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'  
     'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 
     'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 
     'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 
     A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.  
     The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.  
     The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
     After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 
     So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
     Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply. 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Submitted by Peter Burch (6/16/10)
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (5/7/10)
I love my Chinese Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you? 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: You crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me. 

Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (4/22/10)
     A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
     The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. 
     The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

     His Dad replied 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?
'
 
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/9/10)
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

     After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look my wife one day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
     My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/9/10)
     Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’
     ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
     ‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
     ‘Really,’ said Charlie, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
     She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

Submitted by Frank Donovan (3/31/10)
     An 80-year-old man goes for a physical... All of his tests come back normal.
     The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with    God?
     George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the  night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
     'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.   'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

     'Oh, my Lord! ' Ethel exclaims, 'He's peeing in the fridge again!'

Submitted by Peter Burch (11/19/09)
     Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle to bury him at sea when he died. In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
     After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
     Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.
     Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
     Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."
     So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.
     "Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"
     "Yes, finally, "said Barbie. "Hand me the shovel."
Submitted by Walter Alwang (11/17/09)
     God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
     Adam said, "Gladly, Lord. What so  you want me to do?'
     God said, "Go down into that valley."
     Adam said, "What's a valley?"
     God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
     Adam said, "What's a river?"
     God explained it to him. Then God said, "Go over the hill."
     Adam said, "What's a hill?"
     So God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
     Adam said, "What's a cave?"
     After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman.
     Adam said, "What's a woman?"
     So God explained that to him also. Then God said," I want you to reproduce."
     Adam said, 'How do I do that?"
     God first said (under his breath), "Geez…" And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
     So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. But in about five minutes, he comes back.
     God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What now?"

     And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
Submitted by Walter Alwang (11/17/09)
     "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court judge said, "and I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."  "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Submitted by Roger Cerbie (11/03/09)
     An elderly man walks into a confessional, and the following conversation begins:
     Man: I'm 92 years old, and I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
     Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
     Man: What sins?
     Priest: What kind of Catholic are you?
     Man: I'm Jewish!
     Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?
     Man: I'm 92 years old … I'm telling everybody!
Submitted by Roger Cerbie (11/03/09)
     There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the Confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
     The priest said, "Confess and your sins will be forgiven."
     The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
     The priest thought long and hard, and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
     The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
     The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (11/06/09)
     An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the  other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in.
     "Father, forgive me, for it's been a  very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

     The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (10/16/09)
     My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.
     I tell the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.  Then the clerk tells me that $350 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
     The Manager appears and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.  'But we didn't use them. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
     He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' he says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
     The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.  I  wrote a check but the Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' 'this check is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, since I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.'
     'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
     'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.' 
Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/29/09)
     The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,  "Hello."
     "Mrs. Sanders, please."
     "Speaking."
     "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. James at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
     "What do you mean," Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
     "Well, one of the biopsies tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
     "That's dreadful, can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
      "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive test once."
     "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
     "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way  home, don't sleep with him."
Submitted by Peter Burch (9/26/09)
     Housework was the woman's job where they lived, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
     It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
     The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
     'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
     'Oh, that.......... Chuck was too tired.'
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (9/26/09)
     As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the  backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
     I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.  I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
     As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from 'Going Home' and 'The Lord  is My Shepherd' to 'Flowers of the Forest.' I closed the lengthy session with 'Amazing Grace' and walked to my car.
     As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the  workers saying to another, "Man, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."  
Submitted by Peter Burch (2/9/09)
     A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 
     'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 
     They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 
     After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 
     'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 
     'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/30/09)
     Ralph and Edna were  both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking  past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the  bottom and pulled him out.
     When the Head Nurse Director became aware of  Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged  from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally  stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I  have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,  since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and  saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph  hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you  saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'    
     Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go  home?
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/29/09)
     I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay, Stay."
     The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in "PARK?"
Submitted by Frank Donovan (1/28/09)
     In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.  
    The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, statues of Buddha, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
     Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Submitted by Tom Marshall (1/27/09)
     A large company hired a new CEO, who was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour to one of their facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them all know that he meant business.
     He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "Son, how much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man replied. "About $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1600 in cash and screamed," Here's four weeks pay, now get out and don't come back."
     Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?"
     From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/17/09)
     A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work,  so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin'  huntin' tomorrow and I want you to take care of all my patients.'
     'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
     The doctor returns the following day and  asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'
     Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The  first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
     'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
     'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him  MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
     'Bravo, bravo! What about the third one?' asks the doctor.
     'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens  and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself,  taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't  seen a man in over two years!
     'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?'  asks the doctor.
     'I put drops in her eyes.'
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (12/1/08)
     Just before Thanksgiving, I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, but finally I got fed up and yelled at the parrot.
     The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and  kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
     Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and  actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
     I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to  ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the  bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/13/08)
     A man got a call from his doctor whom he had seen the day before. The doctor said, “I have good news and bad news.”
     The man replied, “You had better give me the good news first.”
     The doctor responded, “You have an incurable disease and have only one day to live.”
     The man replied, “Wow, I can’t imagine what the bad news is.”
     The doctor replied, “I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
Submitted by Peter Burch (7/10/08)
     A West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door.  A young boy about 9 years old opened the door. "Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.
     "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied.  "He went into town."
     "Well," said the farmer, "'is yer Ma here?"
     "No, sir, she ain't here neither.  She went into town with Pa."
     "How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?"
     "He went with Ma and Pa."
     The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa.  It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
     The boy considered for a moment.   "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.  "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (7/5/08)
     I want to live my next life backwards!  You  start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.  Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.  When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
     When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.  You work 35-40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.  So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
     As you get even younger, you become a kid again.  You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.  In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.  You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

     Until finally... you finish off as an orgasm.  I rest my case.
Submitted by Buell Hunt (6/23/08)
Dear Tide,
     I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
     In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
     I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.      
     What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
     Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (2/21/08)
     Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street. Working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it again. 
     An onlooker asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it? Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
     The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
Submitted by Kerry Muravnick (2/20/08)
     The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
     She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
     You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
     She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
     Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined this horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.
     The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
     A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
Submitted by Dewey Dow (2/6/08)
     A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
     Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and then he embraced and kissed her passionately.
     The woman quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.  Can you do this?"
     The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/25/08)
     I was barely sitting down in the men's room when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
     I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
     And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
     What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
     At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
     Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him "No. I'm a little busy right now!!!"
    
Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (1/19/08)
     A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
     The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
     "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
     "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
     The pastor asked him what happened.
     "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
     But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
     "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
     "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."
Submitted by Dick Sause (1/15/08)
     A man come out of the men's room and his wife noted that he had "soaked" his pants.
     She asked him how this happened. He replied that he had just been fitted with his first pair of bifocals.
     "When I looked down, I saw a big one and a little one, so I put the little one away."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/6/08)
     A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.
     He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night." So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs: "Mom! You still awake?"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/4/08)
     At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic church, the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
     Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"
     The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
     Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/30/07)
     I was walking by the duck pond in Hubbard Park this past summer and came upon three ducks talking to each other. So I asked the first duck, "What's your name?"
     The duck said, "I'm Huey." So I said, "How's your summer been?" And the duck answered, "It's been great! I've been in and out of puddles all summer long."
     I asked the second duck, "What's your name?" And this duck answered, "I'm Dewey. I've had a terrific summer too, going in and out of puddles."
     So I said to the third duck, "I suppose your name is Louie." And the third duck replied, "No, I'm Puddles."   
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (8/28/07)
     An older, white- haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
     The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
     The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
     The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
     Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
     "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! "

Submitted by Len Bialek (7/8/07)
     A rabbi, a priest and an imam are play­ing golf one afternoon. But the quartet in front of them is incredibly slow, so slow that it takes seven hours for them to play just nine holes. As they enter the pro shop after they have finished, the club pro asks, "So, did you enjoy the day?"
     "Yes, yes," one of the men says, "we appreciate your kindness. But the four gentlemen in front of us were sur­passingly slow. It took us seven hours just to play nine holes. Doesn't the club have rules that say that people need to play at a certain speed on your course?"
     "Oh, l feel awful," the club pro says. "I should have told you. Once a week, we invite some of the gentlemen from the community's Center for the Blind to enjoy our course, and this afternoon, they happened to play in front of you"
     "By all that is holy!" the priest says. "I am going to immediately go confess my sin of self-involvement, then get started straight­away on my Sunday sermon, about the dangers of selfishness."
     "Allah, most gracious!" says the imam. "I am right now driving to the mosque, where I will kneel toward
Mecca and beseech the One True God to help me be more humble, to help me be more compassionate to those less fortunate."
     "So," says the rabbi, 'they couldn't have played at night?"

Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (5/28/07)
     There was a man who had worked all his life and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me." And so he got his wife to promise him that when he died, she would put all the money into the casket with him.
     Well, he died. When they finished the funeral ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment." She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
     So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
     The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a good wife. I cannot go back on my word."
    "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?" asked her friend.
     "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. He can cash it whenever he wants."
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (4/22/07)
            A lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
            The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

            Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
            Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
            The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
            Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (3/12/07)
     Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
     The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today.  When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.  That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
     Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........By the way, you got nice house."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (2/17/07)
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager  sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different  colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.  When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter  old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/22/07)
     A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Ontario. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
     "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes," she says. "What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
     The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/20/07)
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!" 

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?" 

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" 

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?'' The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.'' The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this
567-5309?''

Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/10/07)
After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid  passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning. As I approached,  there  in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: "Lord, it's up to  you...if you  want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
Submitted by Peter Burch (10/31/06)
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'
No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor!'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
Submitted by Dewey Dow (9/19/06)
     Guy named Ed forgets his wife's birthday, and she is really angry. "Tomorrow morning," she tells him, "I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds."
     Sure enough, the next morning Ed's wife looks out the window and sees a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She retrieves the package, brings it into the house, opens it and finds a brand new bathroom scale.
     Funeral services for Ed are pending.
Submitted by Rob Reiners (9/17/06)
     A blonde who was speeding at 110 mph was pulled over by a state trooper, who was also blonde and female. When asked for her driver's license, the driver frantically looked through her glove compartment and even dumped her purse upside down.
     'What does a driver's license look like?" she asked the policewoman.
     "Well, it's about the size of a credit card and it has your picture on it" replied the trooper.
     The driver happened to open her compact, saw her face in the mirror, and said "Oh, this must be it." She handed the compact to the trooper.
     The trooper looked at it and replied, "Oh, if I had known you were a policewoman, I never would have pulled you over."
Submitted by Meade Johnson (9/15/06)
     A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.  "A priest." "Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
     Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
     Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
     The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn voice:
     "B-4  I-19  N-38  G-54  O-72"
Submitted by Bob Newcomb (8/22/06)
     Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, and Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, sinking to the bottom of the pool. Edna promptly jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
     When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving a life in an emergency. The bad news is that Jim hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
     Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I just put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (7/12/06)
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:  "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
     You talk ? "  he asks.
     "Yep," the Lab replies.
     "So, what's your story ? "
     The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk  when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from  country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
     "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't  getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

     "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of  medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
     The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants  for the dog.
     "Ten dollars," the guy says.
     "Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling  him so cheap?"
     "Because he's a liar.  He never did any of that stuff."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (7/5/06)
      A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" 
     "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." 
     "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 
     "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. 
     Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.  We observe all union rules." 
     The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
    "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
     "That's more like it!" the union man said. 
     He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
 
     "I'd like her," he said. 
     "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a  92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/10/06)
            An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
           
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
           
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
           
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well,"  the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
           
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." And so they were wed right away.
            Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

           
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...  pregnant when you met her."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/10/06)
     Two men went hunting & were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
     "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
     After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
     "Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (11/15/05)
     An atheist was taking a walk through the woods when he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could, but the bear was closing in on him. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. Rolling himself over, he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
     At that instant, the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!...”
     Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
     As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, and teach others I don’t exist. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
     The atheist looked directly into the light: “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian.”
     “Very well,’ said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
     And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
     “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/28/05)
     A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage  bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of  the bags, and
 every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
      Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag"
     "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go  back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
     "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?  Did you steal it?"
     "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard  backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there's a  game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower  beds!"  "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
 time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:  "$20 or off it comes!"
     "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!  By the way,  what's in the other bag?"
     "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up" . . . . 
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/28/05)
      A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
     The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
     The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
     So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "
     The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
     The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
     The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
     By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
     The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/6/05)
     Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The  house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 4-year-old  girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he  helped deliver the baby.
     Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,  and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
     The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 4-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again!"
Submitted by Buell Hunt (6/30/05)
     "You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
     She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
     Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
     Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First Methodist Church.
Submitted by Rev. Robert Stocksdale (4/5/05)
Two Episcopal priests die on the same day and apply for admission to heaven. St. Peter tells them that the computers are down, and that the two will have to return to earth for a week until the computers are fixed. "However," he says, "you can be whatever you want for the next week, just let me know." The first priest says he has always wanted to be an eagle that can soar in the skies, so St. Peter makes him into an eagle and sends him back to earth. The second priest says he has always wanted to be a stud, so St. Peter carries out his wishes and sends him back to earth also. A week later, God tells St. Peter that the computers are fixed and it is time to get the two priests into heaven. St. Peter says, "It will be easy to get the first priest back, but I don't know about the second, he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/20/05)
     Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the city of Rome . Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? 
     The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay!"
     An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
     Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"
Submitted by Peter Burch (9/21/04)
     A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something. In fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
     "Well," the doctor replies, "go home and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
     Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
     He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
     She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Submitted by Ed Wallace (7/7/04)
     It was a new day at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died."
     The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
     St. Peter let the man in and then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
     St. Peter let him into heaven. "Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.
     "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Submitted by Bob Newcomb (6/25/04)
     A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
     Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
     Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.  The park administrator thought they might have a solution.  Eddie was approached with a proposition.  Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
     Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. 

     "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."  The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
     "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."  The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
     "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."  Once again the administrator agreed.
     And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Submitted by Jim Teagle (3/20/04)
     An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."
     The other man said, "What’s the name of the restaurant?"
     The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
     His friend replies, "A carnation?"
     "No. No. The other one," the man says.
     His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
     "No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
     His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
     "Yes, yes that’s it," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Submitted by Bob Newcomb (3/14/04)
     Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
     He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
     She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 
     The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
     She says, "That he did, Father." 
     The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 
     She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
and another 
     A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
     The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (12/15/03)
     A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
     A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
     "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
     "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of me."
     The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (10/27)
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"  To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Submitted by Peter Burch (10/22)
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would just be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Submitted by Buell Hunt (10/22)
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Submitted by Peter Burch (9/30)
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms."

Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/30)
A blonde decides to try horseback riding and mounts the horse unassisted. The horse immediately springs into motion and gallops along at a steady pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse but unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.  

Thank God for heroes.

Submitted by Dick Kupstis (9/30)
A blonde asked her mechanic friend how to get rid of all the dents and dings in her car. He told her to wait until her car cooled down and then blow forcefully into the exhaust pipe, thus popping out all the dents and dings. So after the car cooled down, she followed his advice and blew vigorously into the exhaust pipe for about five minutes, but with no results.

After confiding this to her blonde friend, the friend laughed and said, “Hello!!!  Of course it didn’t work. You forgot to close the windows.”

Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/15)
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
  4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
  6. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply a Band-Aid to spouse's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  7. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot of scotch. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table; find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fish filet.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  8. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

  1. Wrap it in bacon.
  2. Toss it into the air.
Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/15)
Duncan MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the residents' dorm. After he had some time to settle in and get used to the place, his mother called to see how he was adapting to English life.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on the left side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the right side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/6)
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared a bacon and eggs breakfast for him. He noticed a filmy substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather......."Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate  that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said......"I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the T.V. screen, his grandfather shouted........ "COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THERE. LEAVE HIM ALONE!"
Submitted by John Burch (7/13)
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman for speeding:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.  

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5, police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer. The second officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/11)
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?"
     The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
     The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
     To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
     A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
     The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
     The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
     The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
     The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Submitted by Jim Abrams (at the May 27 Ysmen meeting)
     On Sunday, a mother went into her son’s bedroom and told him to get ready for church. Her son responded that he wasn’t going to church today and his mother asked him why.
     He responded, “Three reasons: first, it’s boring; second, I’m tired; and third, I just don’t feel like it.”
     His mother retorted,” Yes, you will be going to church today and here are my three reasons: first, it’s the right thing to do; second, you’re 45 years old; and third, you’re the minister.”  
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/18)

THE WISDOM OF SIXTH GRADERS (History class)

  • Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  • Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  • Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  • Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  • Abraham Lincoln became America 's greatest Precedent. Lincoln 's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
  • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Submitted by Ellen Ornato (2/26)

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He is swept away!

She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, Okay!"

A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of  nowhere and crashes on the beach.. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat..." 

Submitted by Jim Teagle (1/29)

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. 

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so!" the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Submitted by Dewey Dow (12/16)

Two brooms decided to marry. One was, of course, the bride broom. The other was the groom broom.

At the wedding reception, the bride broom said to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a little whisk broom!"

"Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."

Submitted by Dewey Dow (12/7)
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I'm feeling very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."
Submitted by Dick Kupstis (11/15)

Five cannibals are hired as designers in a auto company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now.  You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.  So please don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised to be good.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.  However, one of our janitors has disappeared.  Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss leaves, the cannibal leader asks, "OK, which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool !  For four weeks we've been eating Supervisors, Team Leaders, and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and now you have to go and eat the janitor !"

Submitted by Marv Beloff (11/4)

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. 

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Submitted by Marv Beloff (11/4)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.?

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on...very tall, long eye-lashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Submitted by Peter Burch (10/17)

A blind redneck enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool & orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know 5 things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde & is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde & is a professional wrestler."

"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind redneck thinks for a second, shakes his head, & declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Submitted by Larry Brautigam (10/17)

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my  alligators."

Submitted by Dewey Dow (10/9)

While walking down the street, three male dogs were rendered almost speechless when they spotted a gorgeous female Poodle. Said the Poodle, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in an intelligent sentence gets to go out with me."

The black lab blurted, "I love liver and cheese." "That’s childish," scoffed the Poodle.

She turned to the Golden Retriever. "I HATE liver and cheese," he said. "My, my," said the Poodle. "You're hopeless."

She turned to the Taco Bell Chihuahua and said, "How about you, little guy?" He winked and said to the other two, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

Submitted by Ed Wallace (10/5)

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of  the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.

He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."

It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important."

"Well, WHO in the world is it?!" screamed the chief.

The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"

Submitted by Matt Studinski (9/26)

And your doctor says that  you're overweight???
Click here

Submitted by Curt Disbrow (9/26)

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed...... I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those  loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him  yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny  way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window  and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

I will write again soon.
Love,
Grandma

Submitted by Ed Wallace (9/18)

BEAR ALERT
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National forests.  They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.  They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.     

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Submitted by Bill Collett (8/23)

EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

I started by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a while, I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks, and finally, I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more  than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

Submitted by Rosa Malczynski (friend of Peter Burch) (8/8)

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.  

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." 

Submitted by Ed Wallace (8/4)

And you think you've got problems coming up? Click here.

Submitted by Marv Beloff (7/12)

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please - please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," replied Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Submitted by Frank Donovan (7/2)

Click here to view an Organizational Chart which would be accurate for any company.

Submitted by Peter Burch (6/22)

     A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan for my vacation”
     Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK because he knows the bank manager.
     Pattie explains that he’ll need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says “sure” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant.
     Confused, Pattie goes to speak to the bank manager. She tells him, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this porcelain elephant as collateral. What should I do?”

The bank manager replies,
“It’s a knickknack, Pattie Whack. 
Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Submitted by Curt Disbrow (6/14)

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by  the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand  Emir.

'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but a man is sitting on the well."

Submitted by Jean Addy (friend of Peter Burch)(2/5)

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite  it." 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.