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Submitted by Peter Burch (2/8/19)
So, I’m at a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting
across from me. I say, “Cool accents, are you two ladies from
Scotland?”
One of them yells, “It’s Wales, you idiot.”
“So I said, “OK are you two Whales from Scotland?”
I don’t remember much after that. |
Submitted by Peter Burch (11/23/18)
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He
sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV...
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The
blonde looked at Jack and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Jack
says, 'You know what, I bet he will.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I
bet he won't.' Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy
did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The
blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, 'Fair's
fair... Here's your money.' Jack replied, 'I can't take your money,
I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump.
'The blonde replies, 'I did too; but I didn't think
he'd do it again.' Jack took the money.. |
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (8/24/18)
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was
different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and
over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every
trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show – “Look, it’s not the same hat?” or, “Look, he’s hiding the
flowers under the table?” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It
was, after all, the captain’s parrot. Then one stormy night on the
Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were
on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood
floating in the middle of the sea, and, as fate would have it, with
the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter
a word. This went on for a day, and then 2 days, and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back
any longer and said, “OK, I give up. Where’s the damn ship?” |
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Submitted by Peter Burch (8/4/18)
A man is
getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800
to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who
was that?’
‘It was Bob, our neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about
the $800 he owes me?’ |
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Submitted by Peter Burch (8/4/18)
Mrs. Castranova
comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female
roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t
help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is. Throughout the
evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if
there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are
just roommates.’’
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the
silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it but I’ll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I’m not saying that
you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you
"did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son, Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email
from his Mama which read: Dear son, I’m not saying that you "do"
sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you "do not" sleep with
her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama |
Submitted by Peter Burch (2/18/18)
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband,
in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled
up?" "No," said her husband. She
gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a
soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill. He
took the crumpled $20 bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” "Uh...
no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave
him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively
reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled
$50
bill.
He took the crumpled $50 bill and
started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled
up?” He
said, "No!" trying to hide his anticipation.
She said, "Check the garage." |
Submitted by Peter Burch (2/15/18)
A
blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up
to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours
fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back
that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed
already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you
possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your
trouble”.
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat
of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts,
and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There
was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two
chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of
brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you
$200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we
had money left over so now we're going to Sea World." |
Submitted by Peter Burch (11/14/17)
As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I
go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think
I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the
shrink…. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able
to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred
fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why
didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he
asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is
$23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup
truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and
how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody
under there now.”
It’s always better to get a second opinion |
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Submitted by Joe Giannetti (10/8/17)
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and
says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the
picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the
puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to
relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea", and then he said with a deep
sigh, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box" |
Submitted by Peter Burch (5/12/17)
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” announced the sixty-year-old. “You
always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at
the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the seventy-year-old. “When
you’re seventy, you can’t have a BM anymore. You take laxatives, eat
bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!”
“Actually,” said the eighty-year-old, “Eighty is the
worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?”, asked the
sixty-year-old.
“No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I go
like a race horse - no problem at all.” “Do you have trouble having
a BM?”, asked the seventy-year-old. “No, not really. I have a great
bowel movement every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, “Let
me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o’clock and have
a BM every morning at six thirty. What’s so tough about being
eighty?”
To which the eighty-year-old replied, “I don’t wake up
until ten.” |
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (4/5/17)
An Italian Mama
Mrs. Castranova comes to visit her son Anthony for
dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of
the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Anthony’s
roommate is. Throughout the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony
and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are
just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar
bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But
the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner. Your Loving Son, Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email
from his Mama which read:
Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with
Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have
found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama |
|
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (3/28/17)
At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend
Irving and says, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s
wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for
me?”
Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’
lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the
Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him
occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and
asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”
Irving, filled with feeling of guilt and remorse
confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping
with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s
shoulder and says, “You'd probably better hurry home, Irving. My
wife died two years ago!” |
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Submitted
by Peter Burch (2/2/17)
This was
received from a man who lives in an assisted living building:
We have small apartments, but we eat at a central
cafeteria. One morning,one man didn't show up for breakfast, so my
wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was
OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was
running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the
dining room.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back
up toward his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming
down the stairs but was having a difficult time. He had a death grip
on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work
right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told
her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.
So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs to the
cafeteria and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to go back to his apartment, he was
unable to even get up the first step, so an ambulance was called to
take him to the hospital. A couple of hours later, my wife called
the hospital to see how he was doing. The
receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in
one leg of his boxer shorts. |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/23/16)
With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal
experience about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have
been known to have some brushes with the authorities from time to
time, often on our way home from a "social session" with family and
friends.
Well two days ago this happened to me. I was out
for an evening with friends and had more than several drinks,
followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka
shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was
way over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done
before, I took a taxi home. Sure enough, on the way there was a
police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I
arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise for me, because I have
never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now
that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So if you
want to borrow it, give me a call. |
Submitted
by Joe Giannetti (8/2716)
"While out walking along the
edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to
be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce
issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly
emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large
jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was
extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber
pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was
all it took....the 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by
just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the
amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible." |
Submitted
by Joe Giannetti (8/2/16)
His request approved, the
CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local
airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would
be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted
a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag,
slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied
out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer
instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I
can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because
I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some
close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he
stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my
flight instructor?' |
Submitted
by Frank Donovan (6/17/16)
I have two tickets to this year’s Super Bowl, but just realized I am
getting married that day and can’t go.
If you’re interested in going in my place, it’s at
St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda and
she’ll be the one in the white dress. |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (5/8/16)
Air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small
twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower's land line rang and
was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost
communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell
phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had
the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at
18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone
immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down
after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain
calm!!”
He began his series of questions:
Tower: " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000
feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the
Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know
you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the
Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily
overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: The pee in my pants is running out of my
shirt collar. |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (2/15/16)
A
crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a
very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and
decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of
action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and
enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his
serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope
you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had
sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so
serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much
since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." |
Submitted
by Frank Donovan (2/15/16)
A fifteen year old Amish
boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The
father
(never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and
then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the
walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'. |
Submitted
by Ken White (11/24/15)
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the
wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go
to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife,
after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she
was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman
he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the
new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he
wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a
quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went
home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?”
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went
into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to… |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (9/10/15)
A
blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours &
hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of
this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband
says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The
blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard ... let's see how THEY
like it! |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (8/7/15)
John
Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night in the midst of a big storm. The
night kept rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly coming up behind him and it stopped.
John, desperate for shelter, quickly got into the car
and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John
looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he
started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand
appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear
down the road, and so, gathering his strength, he jumped out of the
car and ran to it. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside
and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had
just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked
in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked
and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing
at the bar, one said to the other: "Look Paddy, there's that fooking
idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!" |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (7/8/15)
After 35 years of marriage,
a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem
was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever
had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking
the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately
as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up
and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is
what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, ...............But I play Golf on Fridays. |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (3/18/15)
Four elderly Catholic men
and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is
a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a
Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says
'Your Eminence'."
The
fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he
walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her
coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She
proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM
& TALL, 40 D Breasts,
24" WAIST and 34"
HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "JESUS". |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/18/15)
A fleeing Taliban terrorist,
desperate for water, was plodding
through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the
distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the
mirage, only to find a very frail
little old Jewish man standing at
a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. The
Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you
have water?"
The Jewish man
replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are
only $5."
The Taliban shouted
hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced
western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only
$5."
"Pahh! A curse on
your ties! I should wrap one around your
scrawny little neck and choke the life out of
you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old
Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me
infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you
continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water
you need. Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate
Taliban staggered away, over the
hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and
gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie..." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/9/15)
You pick up a hitchhiker, a
beautiful young woman. Suddenly, she faints in
your car. You take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful!
But at the hospital, they say she is
pregnant
and congratulate you on becoming a father. You say that
you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This
is getting very stressful!!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the
father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test
shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're
extremely stressed but relieved!
On your way back to the car you
think about how good it will be to get home to your
beautiful wife and 5 adorable children. Now THAT’S
STRESSFUL!!! |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/3/15)
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life
that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan,
Utah.
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time
to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie
to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to
be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
other or you could end up dead like me. |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (1/30/15)
The ABC Corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On
a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a
wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know
that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you
make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and
said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his
office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash
and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around
the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball
did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy
from Domino's." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (1/30/15)
When everybody on earth
was dead and waiting to enter Heaven,
God appeared and said,
"I want the men to make two lines:
One line for the men who were true heads of their household,
and the other line for the men who failed
and were dominated by their wives. ”I want all the women to report
to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of
men. The line of the men who
were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long
and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man.
God
said to the long line, "You
men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created men to be the head of your household!
Only one of you has succeeded.
You should all learn from him."
God turned to the one man,
"Share with these fools why you are the only one in this line?"
The man replied,
"My wife told me to stand here ..." |
|
Submitted
by Frank Donovan (12/22/14)
Please hold my
email until further notice because I will be in the hospital for a
few days. I was brutally attacked by a woman on an elevator. A
witness got her photo.
I was in the elevator when she got in. I was casually
staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press "one".
So I did, and I don't remember much afterwards.
|
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/16/14)
A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were
young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once
again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service
was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the
beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at
age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it
was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant
was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because they had never been there before. |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/16/14)
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed and
as the wife walked around, she was surprised to discover that her
husband was nowhere to be found. She was quite upset because they
had a lot to do, and she became so worried that she called him on
his cell phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewelry
shop we went into about five years ago, when you fell in love with
that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you I
would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I
do remember that shop.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the bar next door.” |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/16/14)
A Mafia
Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out
of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear
nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the
Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you
are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger." |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (11/13/14)
A painter by the name of
Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his
house in a stretched limo and asked if he would paint her in the
nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he
was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money
was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000. Not
wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure
to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me
socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes” |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (8/2/14)
Bridget O’Kelly arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law,
Paddy,in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his
suitcase."What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
“What happened? I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her that I was
coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home . .
. and guess what I find? Yes, your daughter, my wife
Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is
unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm
leaving her forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his
mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on
here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to
her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big
smile.
“Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation. She never got
your e-mail." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (6/3/14)
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked
up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The old cowboy replied, "Yep, sure do."
Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the cowboy.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked
Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in
an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't
you afraid of me?"
The old cowboy calmly replied, "Been married to your
sister for 48 years." |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (5/7/14)
Three blondes were applying
for a position on the police force. The detective opened a file
drawer, pulled out a folder, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be
a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like
scars and so forth." He
put the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after
a few seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing
features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one
eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed."
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, put the photo in
front of her for a few seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What
about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused.” The
second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third, and last blonde,
and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but, . . . " he flashed
the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "OK, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about
this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. The man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the
blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely
right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes
and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear,
he certainly can't wear glasses." |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (3/18/14)
Two old
guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with
the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed
any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you
like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you
get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this
stuff but me." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/20/14)
Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for
work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled,
and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk
back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe
my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!
I am 32, he is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We
have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down
and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months.
He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need your
advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking
that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the
vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
John |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/20/14)
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor
is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you
stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and
that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and
out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and
all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and
your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In
fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless
beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still
alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How
old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I
guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No,
Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get
married?'
''Who said he wanted to?' |
Submitted
by Terry Clarke (1/29/14)
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only
this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your
advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to
Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,
and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene
didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob replied, "This time I'm taking Earlene with
me." |
Submitted
by Roger Cerbie (1/17/14)
Leroy went to his
church’s healing service and spoke to the pastor. He asked, “Father,
can you help me with my hearing?”
The pastor has him kneel down and prays over him for
several minutes, and then says “Arise my son, how is your hearing
now?”
Leroy replies, “I don’t know, Father, it’s not until
next week.” |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (12/09/13)
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
"quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him
out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called
out.
"Matt's riding a new bike."Looks like the Sanders are
moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced..."The Coopers
are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad
cautiously called....."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Beause Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle." |
|
Submitted
by Peter Burch (12/05/13)
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason
he got the job in the first place because it was assumed that if
Guido would hear nothing then he would never have to testify in
court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his
missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign
language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the
money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's
the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts
it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't
tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money
is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's
house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The
lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the
trigger." |
Submitted
by Marvin Beloff (11/1/13)
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want
to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're
as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's
nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess;
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party." |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (10/24/13)
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, with his
nurse, his wife, his daughter, and 2 sons.
"So", he says to them:" Bernie, I want you to take the
Beverly Hills houses." Sybil, take the apartments over in Los
Angeles Plaza .""Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City
Center .""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris
slips away, she says,"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been
such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper
route!" |
|
Submitted
by Peter Burch (8/29/13)
Maude
and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida. They met at
the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed
each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee,
Claude asked Maude out for dinner, and much to his delight, she
accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most
romantic restaurant in town. Despite their ages, they ended up at
his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a
natural course, and with age being a no inhibitor, Maude soon joined
Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in
the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a
time in his/her own thoughts.
Claude was thinking, If I'd known she was a virgin,
I'd have been gentler.
Maude was thinking, if
I knew he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose. |
Submitted
by Buell Hunt (6/25/13)
I want to
share with you an amazing story. I'm a small 22-year-old woman, but
I was able to solve a critical emergency by keeping my cool and
using precise marksmanship with a small pistol, While out hiking in
Alberta Canada with my husband, we were surprised by a huge grizzly
bear charging at us from out of the woods. She must have been
protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had
not had my little .25 caliber Beretta with me, I would not be here
today! Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just briskly walking
away. |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (4/19/13)
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of
the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began
to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a Physical Therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him."
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender
and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does
that feel'?
He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my
thumb's broken!" |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (3/18/13)
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little
concerned about it,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,
please,” the doctor ordered. She
did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a few moments in a very
professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No
wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any
milk.”
“I know,” she said. “I'm his Grandma, but
I'm glad I came along.” |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (3/18/13)
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollars all crumpled up?" asked my wife
when she returned from shopping.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into
her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar
bill.
"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she
asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively
reached into her underwear and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar
bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled
up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (3/15/13)
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday
evening with a gorgeous young gal at his side. He told the jeweler
he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler
looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more
special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only
$40,000,’ the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole
body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll
take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man
stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so
I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the
funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old
man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, “but let me tell you about
MY GREAT WEEKEND!' |
Submitted
by
Rene Tompkinson (3/5/13)
An old man lay sprawled
across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came
by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but
you're only allowed one seat." The old man just groaned but didn't
budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get
up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again,
the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the
two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but
with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a
muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony." |
Submitted
by Buell Hunt (1/25/13)
David Letterman's
Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a
couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone
else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're
finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (11/30/12)
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and
asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose
living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt
for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a
bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was
just reading here that the Pope does." |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (10/30/12)
President Ronald Reagan went on a state visit to England and met the
Queen of England. The Queen invited him to go for a carriage ride
through the Royal Gardens. During this ride, the horse pulling the
carriage suddenly passed a large cloud of foul-smelling gas. After a
moment or two, the Queen turned to Reagan and said, “I’m so sorry
for that. There are some things that not even the Queen of England
can control. Reagan responded, “I’m so glad you told me. I was
starting to think it was the horse.” |
Submitted
by Buell Hunt (10/20/12)
On his 74th birthday, a man
got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a
visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was
rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After
being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to
the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on
his shoulder, he warned him, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take
only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will
become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can
perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned
and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner
must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine
will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited
his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off
his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of
men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, but
then asked, "So what was that 1-2-3 for"?
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a
dangling participle. |
Submitted
by Roger Vandal (8/31/12)
The Montana Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers, and golfers to take extra
precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the National
State Parks and Forests. They have advised people to wear
noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to
alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you
carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear
activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between
black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings. The black bear
droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel
fur. The grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell
like pepper spray. |
|
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (7/14/12)
Epitaph on a gravestone in the Logan City
Cemetery, Logan, Utah
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at
home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make
you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know
each other, or you could end up dead like me
|
Submitted
by Marvin Beloff (6/28/12)
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
"You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is
yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said
"All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I
would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all
went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same
offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to
run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!
If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have
to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful roller
skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.... God gently awakened
the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are
you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in
my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels'
you have been sending over are delicious." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (3/23/12)
One dark night in the small town in Garfield, NJ, a
fire started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink of an eye, the building was engulfed
in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire
departments for miles around.
When the first
volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene,
the sausage company president rushed to the fire
chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage
recipes are in the vault in the center of the
plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate
$50,000 to the fire company that brings them out
and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon
more fire departments had to be called in
because the situation became desperate. As the
firemen arrived, the president announced that
the offer to
extricate the
secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire
department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard
as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the fire engine
from nearby Lodi , NJ . This
volunteer fire department was composed mainly of
Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire
engine, operated by these Italian firefighters,
passed the fire engines parked outside the
plant, and drove straight into the middle of the
inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the
Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight
the fire as if they were fighting to save their
own lives. Within a short time,
the Lodi old
timers
had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman
accomplishment, he was raising the reward to
$200,000, and walked
over to
personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on
film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian
fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all
that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza
fixa de brakes on dat goddamn truck!!' |
|
Submitted
by Bill Wheaton (3/13/12)
I was a
very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I
decided to get married. But one thing was
bothering me... it was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and
generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more
than a nice view.
One day, the “little sister” called me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived and whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t
overcome.
She told me that
she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life
to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She
said “I’m going to go upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want one last fling, just come up and
get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the
door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, the entire family was standing outside,
all clapping. With tears in his eyes, my future
father-in-law hugged me and said “We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your
condoms in your car. |
|
Submitted
by Peter Burch (3/2/12)
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up
at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The
news crew was covering the story of a man on the
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll
jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy
on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20
to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this
earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would
jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think
he'd do it again." |
|
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/19/12)
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a
gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched,
he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right
strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid
shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it
apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final
flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball
cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What
the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of
me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife
been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the
therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/8/12)
Mrs.
Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two
years ago? '
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones
yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next
week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted
ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked,
'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, Have ye any wee ones
yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six
singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving
hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'
candle. |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/10/11)
A man, his wife, and
mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem While they were there
the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can
have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in
the Holy Land for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful
to be buried here and you would spend only $150?
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
the chance..." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/6/11)
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If
he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore
she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout,
and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill
at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
She said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so
happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he
went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things too." |
|
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/3/11)
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining
strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping
the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen, where, if not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out
upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite
ravioli. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the
ravioli was already in his mouth. With
a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when
suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said:
"Va fanculo!" "Questi
sono per il funerale." which
translates as “Back off, these are for the funeral.” |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (10/19/11)
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I
can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said
to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' |
Submitted
by Joe Giannetti (10/1/11)
A young blonde girl in her late teens,
wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire
herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first
house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes
and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around
the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting
to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect
her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left
over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50
and handed it to her, along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not
a Porch, it's a Lexus." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (9/21/11)
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on
the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!" and he slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody
pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those
two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
Replies the drunk, "Over here, on the swing." |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (7/28/11)
There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched
drink. Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and
grabs my drink. He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one
swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I
burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm
a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I
don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I
found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put
an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here
watching the poison dissolve Then you, you overgrown horse's ass,
show up and drink the whole thing!”
“But enough about me. How's your day going?” |
Submitted
by Buell Hunt (6/16/11)
A young New York blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she
could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped
her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor,
and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every-day, and keep you
happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she
had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the
sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable,
compartment in the hold. From that time on, every night he would
bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to
her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the
captain.
"l have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she
replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"l see," said the captain.
Then her conscience got the best of her and she blurted
out, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the
Staten Island Ferry." |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (6/16/11)
A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a
blond. The blond cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your
picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it
back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop." |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (4/12/11)
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it
still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our
laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did
succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his
reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
“Father, is it still a requirement of the Catholic Church that you
remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a
part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen
to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was
weak and broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent -
- - thinking - - - for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?” |
Submitted
by Frank Donovan (3/1/11)
Paddy staggered home very late after another
evening with his drinking buddy,. He took off
his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged
the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey
bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his
pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that
his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on
each place he saw blood. He then hid the now
almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both
his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him
from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk
again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front
door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom
of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
|
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (2/4/11)
Several
men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi
Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN:
"Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at
the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go
ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also
stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked..."
MAN: "How
much?"
WOMAN:
"$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but
for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN:
"Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to
Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well,
then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty
thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK.
I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I
love you, too."
The man hangs
up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns to them and asks, "Anyone know
whose phone this is?”
|
|
Submitted
by Peter Burch (1/27/11)
Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the
stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is
standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like
to come at about 5:00….’
Great’, says Mick, ‘after six months out here, I’m
ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some
drinking’…’
‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the
business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’
likely gonna be some fighting’ too..’
’Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!.
I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to
the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be
there. By the way, what should I wear?’
Cliff replies, ‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the
two of us.’ |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/7/10)
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father
said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a
C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a
moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John
the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even
strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked every where
they went?' |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (12/3/10)
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,
"It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he
began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a
black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping
down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She
walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve
of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of
good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the
castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached
over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a
flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long
drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis
truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She
looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been
since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell
to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that
you've got golf clubs in there too!" |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (11/4/10)
Tony, a good Italian man, had just finished reading a new book
entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and
my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have
the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and
bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The damn funeral
director would be my first guess.' |
Submitted
by Buell Hunt (11/4/10)
Sarah and Bill, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met
in the social center, and discovered, over time, that they enjoyed
each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for
coffee, Bill asked Sarah out for dinner, and much to his delight,
she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. The dined at the most
romantic restaurant in town, and Bill gave Sarah a gift, to show
his affection. Despite his age, Bill was still a charmer.
Afterward, Bill asked Sarah to join him at his place for an
after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course - age being no
inhibitor. Sarah soon joined Bill for a most enjoyable roll in the
hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd
just shared, each was lost for a time, with their own thoughts.
Bill was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I
would have been more gentle".
Sarah was thinking, "If I had known he could still do
it, I would have taken off my pantyhose!" |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (8/8/10)
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can
have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl
shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and
orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock
at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy
woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This
girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight
on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has
lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone...
'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in
years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing
but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I
catch you, you're mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week! |
Submitted
by Buell Hunt (7/13/10)
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there
again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on
each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to
the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady
lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans
against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt
into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming.. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the
ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their
clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to
himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their
secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me,
but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply. 'Fifty
years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (6/16/10)
A
doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your
wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids.' |
Submitted
by Joe DeMaio (5/7/10)
I love my Chinese
Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on
exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make
live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving
faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay
and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance
of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine.
That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of
goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc. Q:
What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You
should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me. |
Submitted
by Rene Tompkinson (4/22/10)
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father
said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a
C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks
his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've
observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about
that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and
there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
His Dad replied 'Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?' |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (4/9/10)
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of
your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids.'
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look my wife one
day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a
cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, watched a 10-inch black and white
TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a
$500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that
you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she'd make sure that I would
once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (4/9/10)
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on
her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charlie, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did
she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken.’ |
|
Submitted
by Frank Donovan (3/31/10)
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical... All of his tests come
back normal.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
God?
George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have
poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the night to go
to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the
light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little
later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' George
is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night
and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh, my Lord! ' Ethel exclaims, 'He's peeing in the
fridge again!' |
Submitted
by Peter Burch (11/19/09)
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle to
bury him at sea when he died.
In
due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes set off from
Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag
and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she
said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.
Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said,
"No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped
over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time
went
by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie
broke the surface, gasping for breath.
"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"
"Yes, finally, "said Barbie. "Hand me the shovel." |
Submitted
by Walter Alwang (11/17/09)
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord. What so you want me to do?'
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the
river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Go over the
hill."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"
So God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam,
"On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will
find a woman.
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him also. Then God said," I
want you to reproduce."
Adam said, 'How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez…" And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river and
over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. But in about five
minutes, he comes back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What
now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?" |
Submitted
by Walter Alwang (11/17/09)
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce
Court judge said, "and I have decided to give your wife $775 a
week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "and every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." |
Submitted by
Roger Cerbie (11/03/09)
An elderly man walks into a confessional, and the following
conversation begins:
Man: I'm 92 years old, and I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish!
Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm 92 years old … I'm telling everybody! |
Submitted by
Roger Cerbie (11/03/09)
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the Confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess and your sins will be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard, and then said "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face." |
Submitted by
Joe DeMaio (11/06/09)
An Irishman
goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the
Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On
the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and
chocolates. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time
since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side." |
Submitted by
Joe DeMaio (10/16/09)
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to
continue, and decide to take a room for four hours and then get back
on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands us a bill for $350.
I tell the clerk that
although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
Then the clerk tells me that $350 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears
and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a
huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we
didn't use them. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,'
explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain
we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood ,
and Las Vegas perform here,' he says. 'But we didn't go to any of
those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager
replies.
The Manager is
unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a
check but the Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' 'this check is only made out for
$50.00.''That's correct, since I charged you $300 for sleeping with
my wife.'
'But I didn't!'
exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she
was here, and you could have.' |
Submitted by
Buell Hunt (9/29/09)
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. James at St. Agnes
Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab
last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are
now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either
way, the results are not too good."
"What do you mean," Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the biopsies tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other tested positive for HIV. We can't tell
which is which."
"That's dreadful, can you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these
expensive test once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
home, don't sleep with him." |
Submitted by
Peter Burch (9/26/09)
Housework was the woman's job where they lived, but one evening,
Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load
of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on
the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said,
'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too
tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her
friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up
the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that.......... Chuck was too tired.' |
Submitted by
Joe DeMaio (9/26/09)
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at
a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family
or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest
there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became
lost and being a typical man, did not stop for
directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe
and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse
was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and
stepped to the side of
the open grave where I saw the vault lid already
in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them
up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The
workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my
heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I
played like I'd never played before, from 'Going Home'
and 'The Lord is My Shepherd' to 'Flowers of the
Forest.' I closed the lengthy session with 'Amazing Grace' and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Man,
I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for 20 years." |
Submitted by
Peter Burch (2/9/09)
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly
she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward
the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her
eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,'
she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards
they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh,
she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would
like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a
gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything
had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are
you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my
eye.' |
Submitted by
Peter Burch (1/30/09)
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to
the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she
went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry. How soon can I go home? |
Submitted by
Buell Hunt (1/29/09)
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping
Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden
Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back
seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I
walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and
saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay, Stay."
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in
"PARK?" |
Submitted by
Frank Donovan (1/28/09)
In a
hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same
bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their
medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of
the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of
the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, statues of Buddha, prayer books, and other
holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
|
Submitted by
Tom Marshall (1/27/09)
A large company hired a new CEO, who was determined to rid the
company of all slackers. On a tour to one of their facilities, the
CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers
and he wanted to let them all know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and
asked, "Son, how much money do you make a week?' A little surprised,
the young man replied. "About $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed
the guy $1600 in cash and screamed," Here's four weeks pay, now get
out and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked
around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goofball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy
from Domino's." |
Submitted by
Peter Burch (1/17/09)
A doctor in
Duluth
wanted to get off work, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am
goin' huntin' tomorrow and I want you to take care of all my
patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor returns the following day and asks: 'So,
Ole, how was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The
first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
'Bravo, bravo! What about the third one?' asks the
doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking
off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on
the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two
years!
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks
the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.' |
Submitted by
Rene Tompkinson (12/1/08)
Just before Thanksgiving, I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of
the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I
tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, but finally I got fed up and yelled at the
parrot.
The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I grabbed the
bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total
quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the
door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my
outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I
can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As
I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May
I ask what the turkey did?" |
Submitted by
Peter Burch (8/13/08)
A man got a call from his doctor whom he had seen the
day before. The doctor said, “I have good news and bad news.”
The man replied, “You had better give me the good news
first.”
The doctor responded, “You have an incurable disease and have only one day to live.”
The man replied, “Wow, I can’t imagine what the bad
news is.”
The doctor replied, “I forgot to tell you yesterday.” |
Submitted by
Peter Burch (7/10/08)
A
West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring
farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened
the door. "Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "'is yer Ma here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "I really wanted to talk
to yer Pa. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter,
Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to
Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know
that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really
don't know how much he gets fer Howard." |
Submitted by
Buell Hunt (7/5/08)
I
want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get
that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a
nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of
the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying
your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work 35-40 years or so, getting younger every day until
pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go to high
school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You
go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a
few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully
in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on
tap.
Until finally... you finish off as an orgasm. I rest
my case. |
Submitted by
Buell Hunt (6/23/08)
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was
the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started
to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I
ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to
my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact,
the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect
in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having
a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people. |
Submitted by
Rene Tompkinson (2/21/08)
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street. Working furiously all day without
rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it again.
An onlooker asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it? Why
do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it
up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, we're
normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees
called in sick." |
Submitted by
Kerry Muravnick (2/20/08)
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the
children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the
doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined this horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed
with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else
had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim
and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.' |
Submitted by Dewey Dow (2/6/08)
A husband and wife
came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked
what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate tirade
listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on
and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she
had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the
desk, asked the wife to stand, and then he embraced and
kissed her passionately.
The woman quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist
turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I
can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays
I go fishing." |
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/25/08)
I
was barely sitting down in the men's room when I heard a voice from
the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the
restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm
thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just
traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I
can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I
figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him
"No. I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen,
I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions." |
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (1/19/08)
A
newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We
have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks,
returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office,
the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor
inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not
manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man
replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we
managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was
terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third
week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading
from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man,
shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in
our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're
not welcome at Home Depot either." |
Submitted by Dick Sause (1/15/08)
A man come out of the men's
room and his wife noted that he had "soaked" his pants.
She asked him
how this happened. He replied that he had just been fitted with his
first pair of bifocals.
"When I looked down, I saw a big one and a
little one, so I put the little one away." |
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/6/08)
A
guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman
he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking
quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and
asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and
daughter threesome.
He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it.
So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking
directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night." So they go
back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter
her place, and she shouts upstairs: "Mom! You still awake?" |
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/4/08)
At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic
church, the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th
wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to
treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat
I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an
amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience
what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her." |
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/30/07)
I was walking by the duck pond in Hubbard Park this past summer and
came upon three ducks talking to each other. So I asked the first
duck, "What's your name?"
The duck said, "I'm Huey." So I said, "How's your
summer been?" And the duck answered, "It's been great! I've been in
and out of puddles all summer long."
I asked the second duck, "What's your name?" And this
duck answered, "I'm Dewey. I've had a terrific summer too, going in
and out of puddles."
So I said to the third duck, "I suppose your name is
Louie." And the third duck replied, "No, I'm Puddles." |
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (8/28/07)
An older, white- haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked
through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more
special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take
it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old
man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the
funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned
the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about
my weekend! " |
|
Submitted by Len Bialek (7/8/07)
A rabbi, a priest and an imam are playing golf one afternoon. But the
quartet in front of them is incredibly slow, so slow that it takes
seven hours for them to play just nine holes. As they enter the pro
shop after they have finished, the club pro asks, "So, did you enjoy
the day?"
"Yes, yes," one of the men says, "we appreciate your
kindness. But the four gentlemen in front of us were surpassingly
slow. It took us seven hours just to play nine holes. Doesn't the club
have rules that say that people need to play at a certain speed on
your course?"
"Oh, l feel awful," the club pro says. "I should have
told you. Once a week, we invite some of the gentlemen from the
community's Center for the Blind to enjoy our course, and this
afternoon, they happened to play in front of you"
"By all that is holy!" the priest says. "I am going to
immediately go confess my sin of self-involvement, then get
started straightaway on my Sunday sermon, about the dangers of
selfishness."
"Allah, most gracious!" says the imam. "I am right now
driving to the mosque, where I will kneel toward
Mecca
and beseech the One True God to help me be more humble, to help me be
more compassionate to those less fortunate."
"So," says the rabbi, 'they couldn't have played at
night?" |
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (5/28/07)
There was a man who had worked all his life and was a real
"miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he
said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me." And so he got his
wife to promise him that when he died, she would put all the
money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. When they finished the funeral ceremony, and
just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait just a moment." She had a small metal
box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they
rolled it away.
So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife
replied, "Listen, I'm a good wife. I cannot go back on my
word."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
with him?" asked her friend.
"I sure did," said the wife. "I
got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a
check. He can cash it whenever he wants." |
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (4/22/07)
A
lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful
aged poodle named Cuddles. One day the poodle starts chasing
butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just
as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around
here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. The monkey soon catches up
with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with
the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent
him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" |
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (3/12/07)
Hung Chow
calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you
here today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try
that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........By the way, you got
nice house." |
Submitted by Buell Hunt (2/17/07)
I was at the mall the other day eating
at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting
next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. When
the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not
bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/22/07)
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Ontario. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes," she
says. "What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?"
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a
person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all
in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and
the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little guy on your knee." |
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/20/07)
A honeymoon
couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned
"What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a
bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug
"AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss
army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the
window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How
was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the
Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you
complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
A man is at the bar,
drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the
way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I
help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls
down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz,
Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr.
Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr.
Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let
me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let
me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put
my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day,
the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By
the way, you have a nice house!"
There once was this
deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time.
One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the
preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked into the
hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical
equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled
by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?'' The deacon motioned at a pad
and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him,
and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend
the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the
deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the
service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher
said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his
last thought in my coat pocket here.'' The preacher reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on
my oxygen hose!''
A girl
asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after
dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The
boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the
girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside
and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to
the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns,
and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
A guy
dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who
I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to
make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot
the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun
shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this
567-5309?'' |
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/10/07)
After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to
avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by
the bakery this morning. As I approached, there in the
window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: "Lord, it's
up to you...if you want me to have any of those delicious
goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of
the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the
block, there it was! |
Submitted by Peter Burch (10/31/06)
An elderly woman goes to the doctor
and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. What about trying
Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't even take an aspirin for a
headache.'
No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't
even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you
got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to
how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor!'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect
was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table,
at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make
passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll
never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!' |
Submitted by Dewey Dow (9/19/06)
Guy named Ed
forgets his wife's birthday, and she is really angry. "Tomorrow
morning," she tells him, "I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds."
Sure enough, the next morning Ed's wife looks out the
window and sees a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway. She retrieves the package, brings it into the house, opens
it and finds a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed are pending. |
Submitted by Rob Reiners (9/17/06)
A blonde who was speeding at 110 mph was pulled over by a
state trooper, who was also blonde and female. When asked
for her driver's license, the driver frantically looked
through her glove compartment and even dumped her purse
upside down.
'What does a driver's license look like?" she asked the
policewoman.
"Well, it's about the size of a credit card and it has
your picture on it" replied the trooper.
The driver happened to open her compact, saw her face
in the mirror, and said "Oh, this must be it." She handed
the compact to the trooper.
The trooper looked at it and replied, "Oh, if I had
known you were a policewoman, I never would have pulled you
over." |
Submitted by Meade Johnson (9/15/06)
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is
lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A
priest." "Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A
policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST,
PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man
his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50
years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First
Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I
can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man."
The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over
the man and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4
I-19
N-38
G-54
O-72" |
Submitted by Bob Newcomb
(8/22/06)
Jim and Edna
were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, and Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end, sinking to the bottom of the pool. Edna promptly jumped
in, swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became
aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're being
discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving a life in an emergency. The bad news is that Jim
hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt, right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I just put him
there to dry. How soon can I go home?" |
Submitted by Joe DeMaio
(7/12/06)
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells
him the dog is in the back. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You
talk ? " he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story ? "
The
Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one
figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in."
"I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The
guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff." |
Submitted by Joe DeMaio
(7/5/06)
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and
decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one,
he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she
answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where
the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe
all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the
girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and
pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she
gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67
years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." |
Submitted by Peter Burch
(1/10/06)
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began
searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The
farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to
the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for
the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and
suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out
with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man
replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly
tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third
girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just
perfect. She's the one I want to marry." And so they were wed right
away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the
nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic
human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such
a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you
could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her." |
Submitted by Peter Burch
(1/10/06)
Two men went
hunting & were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another
hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the
other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy
was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther
away from the truck...." |
Submitted by Buell Hunt
(11/15/05)
An atheist was taking a walk through the
woods when he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned
just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as
fast as he could, but the bear was closing in on him. Then he tripped
and fell on the ground. Rolling himself over, he saw the bear right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right
paw to strike him.
At that instant, the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!...”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, and teach
others I don’t exist. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light: “It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian
now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian.”
“Very well,’ said the voice. The light went out. The
sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from
thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.” |
Submitted by Carol Erasmus
(7/28/05)
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag"
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a
game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower
beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
"$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up" . . . . |
Submitted by Carol Erasmus
(7/28/05)
A man is stumbling through the
woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people
in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently
bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the
smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find
Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the
water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water
and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for
about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls
him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have
you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" |
Submitted by Carol Erasmus
(7/6/05)
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the
call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 4-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over
her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was
born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 4-year old what she thought about what
she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He
shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........
smack his butt again!" |
Submitted by Buell Hunt
(6/30/05)
"You know,
Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see
an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag
so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are
as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt looks like a sad,
deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
She turns to
face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
positive thing about my body so I can feel better about
myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says
in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight."
Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at
the First Methodist Church. |
Submitted by Rev. Robert Stocksdale
(4/5/05)
Two Episcopal priests die on the same day and apply for admission to heaven. St. Peter tells them that the computers are down, and that the two will have to return to earth for a week until the computers are fixed. "However," he says, "you can be whatever you want for the next week, just let me know." The first priest says he has always wanted to be an eagle that can soar in the skies, so St. Peter makes him into an eagle and sends him back to earth. The second priest says he has always wanted to be a stud, so St. Peter carries out his wishes and sends him back to earth also. A week later, God tells St. Peter that the computers are fixed and it is time to get the two priests into heaven. St. Peter says, "It will be easy to get the first priest back, but I don't know about the second, he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."
|
Submitted by Peter Burch
(4/20/05)
Several
centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the
city of
Rome
. Naturally, there
was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal.
He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish
community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the
Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they
picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi
Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he
was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community.
The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and
the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope
raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him
and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled
out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope
stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can
stay!"
An hour later, the cardinals were all around
the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held
up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up
one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both
our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the
wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an
apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded
around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews
had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of
Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And
then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe.
"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"
|
Submitted by Peter Burch
(9/21/04)
A concerned husband goes to see the family
doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears
me the first time I say something. In fact, I often have to repeat
things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies,
"go home and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If
she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her
deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and
does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife
in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says,
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He gets no response. He moves about five
feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still
no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch
away, and asks again, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time,
vegetable stew!"
|
Submitted by Ed Wallace
(7/7/04)
It was a new day
at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to the first man in line,
"Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was
sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her
with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him
anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor,
and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went
inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but
landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over
the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart
attack, and I died."
St. Peter let the man in and then asked the
next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was
awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a
hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter let him into heaven. "Tell me
about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding
inside a refrigerator...."
|
Submitted by Bob Newcomb
(6/25/04)
A small
Alabama
Wild
Animal
Park
acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the
gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters
worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park
administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern,
who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most
rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a
female of any species. The park administrator thought they might
have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Eddie showed some interest, but said he would
have to think the matter over carefully. The following day,
Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the
following four conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on
the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this
condition.
"Second," Eddie said, "you
must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator
again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Eddie said, "I want
all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once
again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Eddie stated "You've got
to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
|
Submitted by Jim Teagle
(3/20/04)
An
elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went
out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend
it."
The
other man said, "What’s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious
concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the
name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?"
"No. No. The other one," the man
says.
His friend offers another suggestion,
"The poppy?"
"No," growls the man, "You
know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a
rose?"
"Yes, yes that’s it," the first
man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose,
what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
|
Submitted by Bob Newcomb
(3/14/04)
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady
after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary
my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible
news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's
terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put
down that damn gun...'
and another
A drunk staggers into a Catholic
Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The
Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin;
there's no paper on this side either."
|
Submitted by Buell Hunt
(12/15/03)
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for
the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is
heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to
investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in
there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the
toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of me."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and
says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
|
Submitted by Carol Erasmus
(10/27)
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she
called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told
the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my
parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the
repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work.
The
parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly
bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him,
Spike!"
|
Submitted by Peter
Burch (10/22)
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with
the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared
at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was
barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife
stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if
you didn’t see me for two or three days?" He replied,
"That would just be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn’t see his
wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But
on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her
a little out of the corner of his left eye.
|
Submitted by Buell Hunt
(10/22)
An
elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its
way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
|
|
Submitted by Peter
Burch (9/30)
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the
fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what
happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your
third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms."
|
|
Submitted by Buell
Hunt (9/30)
A blonde decides to try horseback riding and mounts the horse
unassisted. The horse immediately springs into motion and gallops
along at a steady pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
Finally, giving up her
frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse but
unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. She is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as her head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her
great fortune, Bobby, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the
horse.
Thank God for heroes.
|
Submitted by Dick
Kupstis (9/30)
A
blonde asked her mechanic friend how to get rid of all the dents and
dings in her car. He told her to wait until her car cooled down and
then blow forcefully into the exhaust pipe, thus popping out all the
dents and dings. So after the car cooled down, she followed his advice
and blew vigorously into the exhaust pipe for about five minutes, but
with no results.
After
confiding
this to her blonde friend, the friend laughed and said, “Hello!!!
Of course it didn’t work. You forgot to close the windows.”
|
Submitted by Buell
Hunt (9/15)
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
- Pick up cat and cradle it in the
crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat
from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and
throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle
cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl
and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel
on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail,
get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil,
and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not
harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply a Band-Aid to spouse's forearm, and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from
neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck,
leaving head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and
put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle
of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot of scotch. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from the
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room
table; find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fish filet.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour
two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
- Wrap it in bacon.
- Toss it into the air.
|
Submitted by Buell
Hunt (9/15)
Duncan
MacDonald from
Scotland
went to study at an English university
and was living in the residents' dorm. After he had some time to
settle in and get used to the place, his mother called to see how he
was adapting to English life.
"And
how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother,"
he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on the
left side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the right side screams and screams all night."
"Oh
Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbors?"
"Mother,
I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my
bagpipes."
|
Submitted by Buell
Hunt (9/6)
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very rural area.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared a bacon and eggs
breakfast for him. He noticed a filmy substance on his plate and
questioned his grandfather......."Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold
water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate that
looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.. "Are you sure
these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger,
the grandfather said......"I told you before, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"
Later that afternoon, his grandfather's dog started to growl and
wouldn’t let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
out."
Without diverting his attention from the T.V. screen, his grandfather
shouted........ "COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THERE. LEAVE HIM
ALONE!"
|
Submitted by John
Burch (7/13)
A woman driver is pulled over by a
policeman for speeding:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and
slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes
5, police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches
the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is
quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims
that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her
handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second
officer. The second officer snaps opens the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.
Woman:
I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
|
Submitted by Carol Erasmus
(7/11)
A priest and a rabbi are
sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest
turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your
faith that you do not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is
still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever
eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on
one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham
sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with
his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked
the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church
that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is
still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father,
have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on
one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was
silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats the hell
out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
|
Submitted by Jim
Abrams (at the May 27 Ysmen meeting)
On
Sunday, a mother went into her son’s bedroom and told him to get
ready for church. Her son responded that he wasn’t going to church
today and his mother asked him why.
He responded, “Three reasons: first,
it’s boring; second, I’m tired; and
third, I just don’t feel like it.”
His mother retorted,” Yes, you will be
going to church today and here are my three reasons: first, it’s
the right thing to do; second, you’re 45 years old; and third,
you’re the minister.”
|
| Submitted by Peter
Burch (4/18)
THE
WISDOM OF SIXTH GRADERS (History class)
-
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
- Joan
of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw.
- Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted "hurrah."
- Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- Writing
at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand."
Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Abraham
Lincoln became
America
's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln
's mother died in infancy, and he
was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
- Johann
Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between, he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750
to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the
world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.
|
| Submitted by Ellen
Ornato (2/26)
A
Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in
the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet
wet, when suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes
directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and
the boy is no longer there. He is swept away!
She
holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could
you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a
wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to
B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every
Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you
would be proud of?"
A
voice booms from the sky, "Okay, Okay!"
A
few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere
and crashes on the beach.. As the water recedes, the boy is standing
there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The
voice booms again, "I have returned your grandson. Are you
satisfied?"
She
responds, "He had a hat..."
|
| Submitted by Jim
Teagle (1/29)
A young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle
and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so!" the doctor says. "Your finger is
broken."
|
| Submitted by Dewey
Dow (12/16)
Two brooms decided to marry. One was, of course, the bride broom. The other was
the groom broom.
At the wedding reception, the bride broom said to the groom
broom, "I think I'm going to have a little whisk broom!"
"Impossible!"
said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."
|
| Submitted by Dewey
Dow (12/7)
A man calls his mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I'm feeling very
weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full
of food if you should call."
|
| Submitted by Dick
Kupstis (11/15)
Five cannibals are hired as designers
in a auto company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of
our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to
the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any
of the other employees."
The cannibals promised to be good.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working
very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one
of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss leaves, the cannibal leader asks, "OK, which of
you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
replies, "You fool ! For four weeks we've been eating
Supervisors, Team Leaders, and Project Managers and no one noticed
anything, and now you have to go and eat the janitor !"
|
| Submitted by Marv
Beloff (11/4)
It was autumn, and the Indians on the
remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to
be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society,
he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the
sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that
the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a
practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the
phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to
be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National
Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold
winter?" Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the
National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that
the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely,"
the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters
ever."
How can you be so sure?" the
Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The
Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
|
| Submitted by Marv
Beloff (11/4)
Three women die together in an
accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the
ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
all over the place.?
It is almost impossible not to step
on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one. Along
comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck
is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day,
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St.
Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely
ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for
the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is
very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without
stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with
the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on...very tall, long
eye-lashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together
without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did
to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know
about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
|
| Submitted by Peter
Burch (10/17)
A blind redneck enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way
to a barstool & orders a beer. After sitting there for a while,
he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
sir, you should know 5 things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde & is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde & is a professional
wrestler."
"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you
still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind redneck thinks for a second, shakes his head, &
declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."
|
| Submitted by Larry
Brautigam (10/17)
An old farmer had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it
fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my
alligators."
|
| Submitted by Dewey
Dow (10/9)
While walking down the street, three
male dogs were rendered almost speechless when they spotted a
gorgeous female Poodle. Said the Poodle, "The first one who can
use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in an intelligent sentence gets
to go out with me."
The black lab blurted, "I love
liver and cheese." "That’s childish," scoffed the
Poodle.
She turned to the Golden Retriever.
"I HATE liver and cheese," he said. "My, my,"
said the Poodle. "You're hopeless."
She turned to the Taco Bell Chihuahua
and said, "How about you, little guy?" He winked and said
to the other two, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
|
| Submitted by
Ed Wallace (10/5)
The Pope had just finished a tour of
the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive
for a while.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the
back of the limo and
the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to
about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol
flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper
saw who it was he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call
in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said,
"I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to
know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the world is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it
might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"
|
| Submitted by Matt
Studinski (9/26)
And your doctor says that you're
overweight???
Click
here
|
| Submitted by Curt
Disbrow (9/26)
She is eighty-eight years old and
still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a
"Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling
choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that
followed...... I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else
loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I
found that lots of people love Jesus!
Why while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For
the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an
exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I
just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
share in the love!
There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about
a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny
way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my
teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was
probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out
laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and
sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the
only car that got through the intersection before the light changed
again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the
love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
I will write again soon.
Love,
Grandma
|
| Submitted by
Ed Wallace (9/18)
BEAR ALERT
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising
hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers, and golfers to take
extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the
Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National forests. They
advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People
should be able to recognize between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.
|
| Submitted by
Bill Collett (8/23)
EXERCISES FOR
SENIORS
I started by
standing outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in
each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them
there as long as I can.
After a while, I
moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks, and
finally, I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each
hand and hold my arms straight out for more
than a full minute!
Next, I started
putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to
overdo it at this level.
|
| Submitted by
Rosa Malczynski (friend of Peter Burch) (8/8)
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and
a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private
plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the
best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the
pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had
better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three
parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a
doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a
lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve
to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy
and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are
young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute
and live in peace".
The little boy handed the parachute
back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest
man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
|
| Submitted by Ed
Wallace (8/4)
And you think you've got problems
coming up? Click here.
|
| Submitted by Marv
Beloff (7/12)
As a
senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
Interstate. Please - please be careful!"
"It's
not just one car," replied Herman, "It's hundreds of
them!"
|
| Submitted by
Frank Donovan (7/2)
Click
here to view an Organizational Chart which would be accurate for
any company.
|
| Submitted by
Peter Burch (6/22)
A frog goes
into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a
$30,000 loan for my vacation”
Pattie
looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK
because he knows the bank manager.
Pattie
explains that he’ll need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says “sure” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant.
Confused,
Pattie goes to speak to the bank manager. She tells him,
“There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this porcelain
elephant as collateral. What should I do?”
The bank manager replies,
“It’s a knickknack, Pattie Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
|
| Submitted by
Curt Disbrow (6/14)
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the
US for the first time was being wined and dined by the
State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American
food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his
man-servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper
off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly
camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand
Emir.
'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious
One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but a man is sitting
on the well."
|
| Submitted by Jean
Addy
(friend of Peter Burch)(2/5)
Three
sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting
back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to
give to their elderly mother.
The
first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The
second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The
third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know
how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I
sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It
took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was
worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."
Soon
thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the
first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live
in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She
wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I
stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!"
She
wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son
to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The
chicken was delicious. |
|
